Fate no Basuke
by kyuuketsuneko
Summary: When Zelretch has too much time on his hands... things happen... things like the GoM being summoned as the Servants of the Fifth Grail War! Be prepared for nonsense! Be prepared for a failure of a crackfic! Be prepared for FATE NO BASUKE!


**Title: **Fate no Basuke.

**Disclaimer:** F/SN & KBS belong to their respective owners.

**Warning:** nonsensical fic that doesn't even qualify as a crackfic. Read at your own discretion.

~X~

It's a certified fact that Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg is a troll. An inter-universal one, but nonetheless, a troll. And he's recently discovered how much fun it is to troll with the Fifth Grail War…

All that blood, sweat, tears and worms… FOR NOTHING!

Oh the chaos! Oh the despair! Oh the drama which will ensue! Yes, it will be a sight to see!

All he needs is the suitable Servants for the job.

Ah.

Look.

Perfect candidates.

~X~

**Tohsaka residence:**

A crash.

"…!"

From the living room…?

Did she mess up?

Sprinting out of the cellar and up the stairs, Tohsaka Rin found herself with quite the sight. Broken furniture, a smashed roof and… was that her favourite cup?! In pieces?! She gritted her teeth. Oh yeah, she messed up alright.

"Yo? I think you're my Master?" said the man, no, boy, sitting in the middle of the carnage. If she hadn't been so busy fuming about the costs to repair her house, Rin might've noticed that he was rather handsome – with a slightly baby-face, tall stature, naturally blonde hair coupled with big, golden-brown eyes, he was a typical high school girl's celebrity crush. But of course, our favourite tsundere makes a hobby out of being angry.

"YOU! SERVANT!"

"Ha-hai?"

Confidence gone from his voice, the blonde Servant cringed as his Master began emitting a dark aura which was… was it forming tentacles?!

"What Class are you?!" she demanded.

"Er. Saber. Or so I've been told."

And with that, the black tentacles vanished, and the fakest smile Saber had ever seen as plastered on the girl's first.

"Well, I suppose I'll forgive you for destroying my house… seeing that I've drawn the finest card." she mumbled, before declaring "This war's in the bag!"

"Uh… huh."

"Oh yes, I'm Tohsaka Rin, your Master. I expect you to treat me as such, so clean up the room before tomorrow morning. I'm going to bed now. Goodnight."

"Hey wait! I don't know where this stuff-"

"Good. Night. Saber."

"… goodnight, Master."

Shoulders slumping, Saber sighed as he resigned himself to the fate of being told what to do by short, forceful, dark-haired individuals.

_Geez… I swear she was going to hit me… can't somebody cut me some slack?_

~X~

**Matou residence:**

"Hmph. To think I expect anything of you. You're as useless as your uncle, Sakura."

"… so-sorry," stuttered the girl. Undoubtedly, she was going to the bug room tonight. Tonight's training was going to be extra brutal... The mere thought of this would have made anyone else shudder, but Sakura was used to it. But then again, she was used to a lot of things that would have made normal people shudder.

"Hm. Well never mind. We'll have to make do with this."

The thing known as 'Matou Zouken' turned to his left, hinting the presence of yet another individual in the dark cellar.

"Shinji. Take control of Rider."

"Yes, grandfather."

"Oi."

All three members of the Matou family turned briefly to face the Servant.

"You dare hand me over to that piece of trash, worm? And you dare refer to me as 'this'?"

"Oh? A mere Servant dares talk back to the Magi that summon-"

"I believe that girl," said the Servant, pointing to Sakura in a half-hearted gesture, "summoned me. And thus, in accordance with the rules of this Holy Grail War, she is my Master. Not you, worm. And certainly not that loser."

"Yo-you INSOLENT-!"

"Silence. Shinji."

Shrinking back into the corner, the cowardly elder brother bit his lip as he shook in fear, frustration, embarrassment and anger.

"It seems that you are a rather strong-willed one, Rider."

"Of course. I was born to rule."

"I do hope that your rulership extends to this war, Rider."

"What a foolish thought. Victory is a given. Those who win deserve all, and those who lose have no right to speak before me."

"Haha, what an amusing fellow. Very well. Sakura, I leave Rider to you. Win the war."

"Yes, grandfather."

~X~

**Emiya Residence**:

"Okay, so let me get this straight. I'm now a 'Master' in this thing called the 'Holy Grail War', and you're my Servant. And normally Heroic Spirits should be summoned as Servants, but something, or more likely, 'someone' botched up the process, and so instead of dead heroes being summoned…"

"Living, normal, high-schoolers are being summoned."

"From a different world."

"Yes."

"I… I… don't UNDERSTAND! Am I suppose to believe this? You show up out of nowhere-"

"I believe I showed up in the middle of the summoning circle which you inadvertently activated while practising your 'Structural Analysis' or whatever.

"Okay, fine, you showed up in the middle of the summoning circle which I didn't even remember was there, which I have no idea how to operate, and tell me that you're from another world and that this is some kind of murderous battle royale where the winner takes all?! And you expect me to believe that?!"

"… I believe that it would be in your best interests to do so."

"Urgh…"

Rubbing his temples, Shirou sensed the onset of a headache.

"So Midorima-san."

"Archer."

"Whatever."

"Refer to me as Archer. I refuse to have anyone know my real name. Maintaining the secrecy of one's identity is crucial in this war," stated the green-haired, glasses-adorned teenager. '_Besides, if somehow there's a Midorima Shintarou in this world, I really _don't_ want to run into him and cause some kind of time and space paradox that would wipe me out of existence… and I wonder if Oha Asa is here in this world too… ah… fate is mocking me…'_ he added. To himself of course.

~X~

**Einzbern castle: outskirts of Fuyuki:**

"WAAAAAAAH!" cried the albino half homunculus.

"Illya-samaaaaa!"

"IT'S NOT FAIRRRRRR! I WAS SUPPOSED SUMMON HERCULES! WHY DID I GET _THAT_?!"

"Illya-sama! It's alright! It's been determined that the Wizard Marshal Zelretch interfered with the ceremony and is continuing to do so for all the competitors. Since Illya-sama is the strongest Master, there's no doubt that your Servant is the strongest!"

"But… but all he does is eat sweets! And grumble about parfaits! And he sleeps all the time! He has no motivation at all! When I asked him why he wanted the Grail, he just mumbled something along the lines of 'it's a pain' and 'but I'm good at this, so I have to'!"

"Ma ma, calm down, ojousama. I'm sure it'll be-"

"IT WON'T BE ALRIGHTTTTT! STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID PURPLE-HAIRED-!"

_**Let's just move on to the next place, shall we?**_

~X~

Some very shady-looking motel:

"Oi! Lancer! Where're you going?!"

"Huh? To a place with a basketball court of course! I'm not going to stay here all couped up like this."

"You-you! Insolent little-!"

"Hai hai," waving a hand dismissively, the tanned bluenette closed the door just in time to stop the enraged Bazett from hitting him with a slipper.

"Grrrrr…! LAAAAAANNNNNCEEEER YOUUUU *! #!#! ! #(!#!"

_**Anddddd to the next scene!**_

~X~

**Ryuudou temple:**

"Tetsu~~~~ 3" cried Caster, glomping the Servant before her.

"Hi. Servant Assassin, at your service."

"Yaaaa~~ Tetsu, Tetsu, Tetsu~~~~ I'm so happy to see you~!"

"It's nice to see you too, Satsuki."

~X~

_**Since it's a pain, let's just skip to some random scenes in the mayhem that follows!**_

"Geh! Kise?!" groaned Lancer.

"Aominecchi!" cried Saber, cheerfully.

"Saber?" asked Rin, in understandable confusion.

"Lancer?" asked Bazett, in equally understandable confusion.

"WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?" roared the said two Masters.

"Playing one-on-one basketball of course?"

"What else, Rin-cchi?"

"Grrrrr…! That's NOT what the Grail War is about, idiot! And don't add –cchi to my name!"

"Ah. That guy does that to all the people he 'respects'," explained Aomine.

"Ahhh! So mean! You make it sound like a bad thing!"

"It's annoying as hell."

"Ah. A witness," stated Bazett.

"Oh. We're not supposed to have any of those, huh?" mumbled Lancer lethargically.

"Lancer! Go get him!" ordered Bazett.

"Mm… nah. It's too much effort. I think I'm going to take a nap somewhere."

"Saber!" snapped Rin, "you do it!"

"Hm… do I have to?"

The reply came from both female Masters: "YES!"

Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, before the blonde copycat began to give chase, Archer arrived on the scene.

"HAAAA! FULL-COURT THREE POINTER!" roared the Servant, sending a flurry of three-pointers towards the other two Servants.

"MIDORIMACCHI?!"

"MIDORIMA YOU BASTARDDDDD! JUST YOU WAIT! I'LL GET YOU FOR THISSSS!"

"Haha! The Grail is MINE! And I'm going to use it to get home!"

"Waaaaaah!" screamed Shirou, somewhere off-screen, still running and having no idea what the heck is going on.

'… _did my Servant just… get done in by that glasses-wearing freak with a frog strapped to his head?'_ was the single thought shared by Rin & Bazett.

"Mi-do-ri-maaaaaa-!" growled Lancer, unharmed.

"Midorimacchi! That wasn't very nice you know!" whined Saber, seemingly unharmed.

_**For the benefit of the audience, let us replay what happened, in slow-mo.**_

The first three-pointer was aimed between the two Servants, causing Lancer to leap to the left and Saber to the right.

The second, arriving perfectly in sync with Aomine's movement into its path, was avoided as Lancer accelerated to his top speed.

The third, arriving 0.1 seconds after second full-court throw, was heading towards Kise in the same manner, but was avoided in the same way as the second ball as Kise activated his Noble Phantasm: Perfect Copy.

The fourth, an unexpected ball which first hit the ground before bouncing towards Aomine's face, was avoided as Aomine's Instinct kicked in, allowing him to duck under the ball with less than a millimetre to spare.

The fifth, bouncing off the trunk of a nearby tree, struck true, smashing into Kise's knee. However, rank B Battle Continuation is nothing to sneeze at, and thus the blonde Servant simply shrugged the attack off. Some time later, he would find himself rolling around on the ground screaming "MY KNEEEEEEE!" in a very unmanly fashion. But that's a story for another time.

The sixth, aimed at Rin, was grabbed out of the air by Saber.

The seventh, aimed at Bazett, was deflected with an elbow by Lancer.

The eighth was torn out of the air in a dunk-like motion from Lancer.

The ninth met a similar fate, though this time it was Saber who caught it, and said Servant sent the ball back Midorima-styled.

All of this took place in less than second. Such is a battle between Servants. With basketballs.

_**And now, continuing at normal speed…!**_

"Ah mooooouuuu! Berserker! Crush him!"

"WAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed a certain Emiya Shirou, making his way back on-screen.

"Ara. Murasakicchi~!"

"Kise? Ah. Aomine?"

"Geh. Don't tell me the WHOLE generation of miracles is here…"

"…?" Atsushi tilted his head, a question mark appearing mysteriously above his head. Was that some kind of esoteric magecraft?!

"We just fought off an onslaught of three-pointers from Midorimacchi," supplied Kise.

"Ah."

"Hmph! What a foolish struggle. The Grail is already mine – no, it was mine to begin with," barked a sharp voice. At that, the hairs of all of the Servants rose.

"A-" began Midorima, looking as if he was choking.

"-ka-" continued Kise, cold sweat pouring down his brow.

"-shi," finished Aomine in a growl.

"Hmph. What nonsense! I'll be taking victory from you!" snarled Midorima. He recently discovered, much to his chagrin, that there was no such thing as Oha Asa's Horoscope in this world. And thus began the crusade of Midorima Shintarou for the Holy Grail… to go home. To his horoscopes.

"Oh? Do try. But victory is mine, as it always is."

"Ha, stop talking big!" snorted Aomine. "The winner will be me!"

"Ahh! I have no intention of losing either, Akashicchi!"

"Hm… sounds like a pai-"

"BERSEEERRRRRKERRRRRR!" roared a certain loli, somewhere on a some rooftop.

"… geh. I won't get anymore free sweets if I don't win… I guess I'll win this… whatever it is…"

~X~

_**And, after a gruelling battle with absolutely no results to speak of which eventually spilled up the stairs of a certain temple…**_

**Ryuudou temple:**

"Go," ordered the pink-haired woman, her face hidden in the shadows of her hoodie.

"As you wish, Satsuki."

"Geh-!" hissed Aomine, as he suddenly found himself weaponless.

"Wha-!" cried Midorima, as all of his basketballs disappeared as soon as he summoned them.

"Hmph, that won't-wait what?!" began Akashi before he found himself suffering the same fate.

"NOBLE PHANTASM: PHANTOM DRIVE! NOBLE PHANTASM: KAGAMI TAIGA SUMMON!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAOOOOO!"

"IS THAT EVEN ALLOWED?!" cried the rest of the GoM (apart from Murasakibara, who had a lollipop in his mouth an thus was unable to complain).

_**The End~~~**_

~X~

**A/N:** Don't even ask (=/=)". *Recently went on a KBS marathon*.

**Servant Stats:**

**Class:** Saber

**True name: **Kise Ryouta

**Master:** Tohsaka Rin

**Strength:** A

**Endurance:** A-

**Agility:** A

**Mana:** D

**Luck:** C

**Noble Phantasm(s):**

- Copy: A+: can copy (and improve) skills of opponents weaker than or equal to himself.

- Perfect Copy: EX: can copy opponents with skill exceeding his own for a brief amount of time.

**Personal skills:**

- Battle continuation: B

_**Explanation:**__ I chose Kise for the role of Saber since he's the most 'all-rounded' of the GoM – Aomine's more of a 'flexibility' and 'agility' type, so I figured Kise would be better as Saber._

**Class:** Lancer

**True name:** Aomine Daiki

**Master:** Bazett Fraga McRemitz

**Strength: **A+

**Endurance:** A

**Agility:** EX

**Mana:** E

**Luck:** C

**Noble Phantasm(s):**

- Street basketball: EX: haphazard movements are impossible to counter without Perfect Copy or the dual effect of Kuroko tag-teaming with Kagami.

- Zone (voluntary): A: raises all parameters except Mana and Luck to EX. Luck increases to B- and Mana goes up to D-.

**Personal skills:**

**- **Eye of the Mind (False): B: will not fall for feints.

- Instinct: A

- Nature of a Rebellious Spirit: C

_**Explanation:**__ he's got the highest agility so er. There. Plus he has the whole blue-hair theme going on. And a strong desire to find 'worthy opponents'. Very Lancer-ish._

**Class:** Archer

**True name:** Midorima Shintarou

**Master:** Emiya Shirou

**Strength:** B

**Endurance:** A-

**Agility:** C+

**Mana:** E

**Luck:** EX

**Noble Phantasm(s):**

- Half-court three-pointer: C+: time between release: N/A.

- Full-court three-pointer: B-: time between release: 0.1 seconds.

**Personal skills:**

- Collector: D: has a tendency to attract random, useless items which were formerly lucky items.

_**Explanation:**__ He has the longest range so… ARCHER IT IS!_

**Class:** Rider

**True name:** Akashi Seijuurou

**Master:** Matou Sakura

**Strength:** D+

**Endurance:** C-

**Agility:** B+

**Mana: **C+

**Luck:** B

**Noble Phantasm(s):**

- Emperor's eye: EX: nothing escapes his eyes.

- Ankle-break: D-: can trip opponents at will. At a distance, can cause opponents to lose their footing if their luck AND mana are ranked below this.

**Personal skills:**

- Charisma**:** B

- Discernment of the Poor: EX: Akashi cannot be deceived.

- Eye of the Mind (True): B+

_**Explanation:**__ … er. I'd put him in the Ruler Class if it was summoned in the Fifth War but frankly he's here because I couldn't think of anywhere else to put him. Other than Caster. But Momoi fits other Classes even less. So there. AND HE'S RED-HAIREDDDD! LIKE ISKANDERRR!_

**Class:** Caster

**True name:** Momoi Satsuki

**Master:** Kuzuki Souichirou

**Strength:** E-

**Endurance:** E-

**Agility:** D

**Mana:** EX

**Luck:** A+

**Noble Phantasm(s):**

- Fate sealer: B-: substantially increases the chances of things going as she predicts and/or desires within reason.

**Personal skills:**

- Clairvoyance: A: precognition

_**Explanation: **__since she has no real physical talents to speak of (as far as I know), Caster was the only Class for her._

**Class:** Assassin

**True name:** Kuroko Tetsuya

**Master:** Caster (Momoi Satsuki)

**Strength: **E-

**Endurance:** E-

**Agility:** E-

**Mana:** C

**Luck:** C-

**Noble Phantasm(s):**

- Misdirection: C-: active at all times unless actively switched off.

- Phantom drive: C: allows Kuroko to steal and take away things from opponents.

- Ignite pass: D: allows Kuroko to fire basketballs at high velocities to cause damage. Has no effect on GoM.

- Ignite pass kai: C-: allows Kuroko to fire basketballs at high velocities to cause damage more damage. Has little effect on GoM. Has no effect on Atsushi and Aomine.

- Ignite pass kai bazooka: B-: allows Kuroko to fire basketballs at high velocities to cause damage. May injure some members of the GoM.

- Kagami Taiga: EX: temporarily summons Kagami Taiga for support.

**Personal skills:**

- Disengage: E: can successfully run from any battlefield with injuries reduced to the state halfway between present and that at the start of the battle.

- Eye of the Mind (True): B-

- Instinct: C-

- Uncrowned Arms Mastership: N?A

_**Explanation:**__ you knoooowww he's perfect for the job XD._

**Class:** Berserker

**True name:** Murasakibara Atsushi

**Master:** Illyasviel von Einzbern

**Strength:** EX

**Endurance:** A- (A+ under Mad Enhancement)

**Agility:** B++

**Mana: **D

**Luck:** C-

**Noble Phantasm(s):**

- Thor's Hammer: EX: in short, sends out a tornado which smashes the nearby surroundings. Servants with less than B-ranked Endurance will be blown away instantly.

- Zone (involuntary): EX: automatically activates when Mad Enhancement rises to rank A. Raises all parameters except except for luck and mana up to EX. Raises Mana and Luck to A rank.

**Class skills:**

- Mad enhancement: E: mentality is that of a grade-schooler. Increases up to A when forced to abstain from snacks.**  
**

**Personal skills:**

- None.

_**Explanation:**__ … because you know he'd be scary without his snacks._


End file.
